there is a holiness to the heart's affections.

i recently took a trip to Joplin, Missouri with a group of friends, where, as most of you know, a massive tornado ripped everything out from under all of the people living there. before i went, i had seen pictures and videos, like most people have. i soon realized that pictures don’t always reveal the tragedy that we think we are seeing. but, even though seeing it in person struck me with the reality of how powerful this tornado really was, i still have no idea what the people there are going through. i will never truly know until the exact same thing happens to me.

when we first got there, we saw a man cleaning up his yard that was covered with debris. his house was still standing with a couple of windows completely gone, yet his neighbor’s house no longer had a roof. we helped him clean up, talked to him about his experience, prayed with him, and shed tears with him. he was a very gracious, caring man and i will never forget his kindness towards us.

we moved to a house a little farther down the road, where the damage was a little worse. we were told that a man in his early 80’s lived there, but had been admitted to the hospital due to high stress levels, so we wanted clean up as much as possible before he returned home. the house was also standing with windows gone, a few tree limbs coming out of the roof, trash everywhere, and resided across the street from the middle school that had been built only a year prior. most of the building was still in tact, but the gym was completely gone. now, i know i have said many a time that i really hated school, but if that had been my school, i would have been devastated.

we had spent a majority of the day there and were also accompanied by a downpour of rain. and, as if we thought this would never happen, the sirens went off. we had absolutely no where to go and this was the last place we could ever want to be in a situation like this. but they soon died down and we were informed that there was no tornadic weather coming our way.

we soon finished, loaded up the vans, and headed towards the downtown area, where the real mess was.

again, photographs do not even begin to explain the bareness of this town that is now nothing. it is like a nuclear bomb was dropped, or a war had gone on. and it goes on for miles and miles. it is unbearable and heartbreaking. but, you can’t help but look. you can’t help but wonder how in the world something like this happens.

i recently had a very insightful talk with my brother, Taylor, whose wisdom runs so deeply. he asked me one of the hardest questions that i have ever been asked, and was not able to answer: do you think God let this happen? i tried to come up with a reason at first, but i was stumbling. i had no answer. i don’t think i ever will. but, i am so blessed to have a brother who resembles a true man of Christ, who brought such an incredible piece of knowledge about what he believes to my attention. he says to me, “God isn’t just hovering above us watching things like this happen. because of the beauty of His grace and mercy, even though we might not seek or feel Him throughout the storm, He is still there with us.” he also told me that God is mourning along with us as well; that it breaks His heart even more to see us hurting. this makes so much more sense to me then trying to find a solid answer. having faith and not knowing the answer to everything is what truly makes us see things clearer. it’s difficult and trying. but i believe it will be worth it in the end.

no one will ever truly know why this happened to the people of Joplin. all we can know and believe is that we can make a change and be there for these people in some way or another, and that the presence of God will be surrounding them throughout the entire recovery process. we need to be the ones who shine the light of Christ on a darkened city. they are desperate for hope, and it is our call to help bring it to them.

the whole world is celebrating right now. maybe not as much as those of us in America, but either way, we are rejoicing in another man’s death and, although this may be an immense relief, it shouldn’t have to be. only because the search for this man and the beginning of this war never should have started. really. what does this all mean? it baffles me how, even since the birth of war, no one has ever really understood that it’s not okay. it’s not okay to hate someone so much, that killing them is the only way to have peace.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:43-48

this is the truth.

and by which i will live to tell until my last breath.

no. this fight isn’t over.

should it have even began?

September 23, 2010

It is on this particular evening that I truly feel at rest in this little town I call home. Approaching the trail, I look up to the sky and see only gray, and know that rain is coming. So I walk…

With open ears and an open heart, I welcome the calming sound of the flowing creek that is like music to me, and I realize how lucky I am to be able to reside by such a beautiful part of nature. So I walk…

Looking ahead and all around, trees are blooming and harshly swaying from the wind, looking graceful yet trouble. Like they’re reaching for something that isn’t there. Their leaves are also changing, which excites my soul, because autumn is in the air; the long anticipated season I wait for all year long. And I am deeply satisfied. So I walk…

Cars speed by, as if to let us walkers know that they have somewhere to be. Hoping to see some familiar faces, folks pass by that are foreign and different, yet I still long to know their stories. It is then when I think of my incredible grandfather, who loved to people-watch, reminding me of his kindness and love that I miss so much. So I walk…

I visualize the leaves beginning to fall and swirl. The bucolic scenery of fall delivers a warm feeling in my heart. Perhaps I am speaking too much of this, but this is what I see, what I feel, and what is important to me. So I walk…

I brood over all of the times I have walked this same trail. Returning home from school, evening walks with my mother. Each time is related but also in variance. Whether I am experiencing them with different people, or the weather has changed. So I walk…

I pass by a house that floods my mind with memories. Memories of one of my best friends who has moved but her and her family’s presence is still there. Mixed emotions, that are not expressed, fill me up. Of sadness and happiness. Although I miss them and wish they were still around, they will forever remain in my heart. So I walk…

Returning home is like returning to reality. On walks like tonight’s I get lost in the beauty of nature and community. I am thankful for my home and the feeling of security it brings. I look forward to the many future adventures such as this one that I will soon have. So I walk.

He has given me new life. this is one thing that i am absolutely positive of. a few days ago, while at church camp, something strange and completely out of the ordinary happened…. and it has changed my life forever.

saturday night was the last night of camp. our speaker, who no one would have thought was a minister because of his sleeve tattoos and black mullet-like hair do (which made me want to listen to him even more), revealed to us what he believed to be a manifestation of the Holy Spirit: speaking in tongues. now, i do not agree with this belief nor do i choose to live out my God’s will for me in this way, but i did respect this man. he seemed to really have a deep admiration for Christ and i admired him for that. so, through out the service he explained to us that he was going to ask those of us that felt led to, to go up to the front to be “cleansed” with the Holy Spirit. he warned that some “weird” and “creepy” things would happen (my words, not his).  yes, i was a bit tense and  scared but not enough to make me want to get up and leave. truthfully, i was interested. interested in seeing and experiencing the presence of the Holy Spirit. i prayed that God wouldn’t bless me with a “spiritual gift” like speaking in tongue because, again, i choose to live differently and do not believe God wants me to sustain this gift. but i went up anyways. i got up from my seat and stood in line with those who were going to have hands laid on them and who would ask for the blessing of the Holy Spirit. i needed that. not for the same reason as everyone else. but i needed to feel the presence of God around me. and, with what had seemed like forever, i did. i felt Him ALL around me. to my surprise, nothing completely terrifying happened. to any one of us. but the most important thing that i have ever experienced did occur that night.

the lead singer of the band that was playing worship that weekend came around and laid his hands on those of us that were up front. when he approached me, he spoke these words, “God has given you the gift of writing. you have the pen of a writer and you have the gift of speaking to people. He wants you to use these gifts to speak poetically to others.” keep in mind, this man knows nothing about me. then again, we had never really met. what makes this so miraculous though, is that i had been struggling with this question for some time. i used to think i knew what i wanted to be. what i wanted to do with my life. it had been my dream for so long. but to my astonishment, this was not exactly what i had dreamed about. i had definitely put it into consideration and had taken an interest in spilling out my thoughts onto paper. but i never really new.

i now know.

i was born, made, renewed….

to write.

to speak poetically to other people.

i also know that the man who told me this was not really himself…. but the Holy Spirit.

He is alive and well.

He is real.

He has truly given me new life.

‘there is a time for everything; a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.’

ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

i recently came across this verse while doing a summer english project. and while i was reading, i came to the realization that these are exactly the kind of emotions or feelings i’ve been experiencing for quite some time now. i find myself going back and forth between weeping and laughing, loving and hating, searching and giving up. not all at one time, no. but everyday i feel something new. something fresh. even if it’s something i would rather not feel. but at least i have the ability to feel. there are those that can’t  feel anything. even if it’s only sadness or desperation. there is not a soul on this earth who should have to feel desperate for anything. whether it’s because they cannot realize what they have, or they have so little, that all they know to do is want. this, however, does bring me sadness. i constantly pray for those who have nothing but themselves and possibly one cup of rice a day. and, if they’re lucky, a glass of water. for everyone who has feelings, think about those who don’t have any left. those who are immune to hunger and thirst. for those who believe that all is lost, bring them hope. bring them peace in the time of war. there is a time for killing and a time for healing. the healing starts now. but should never, ever end.

this photo was captured by alyssa beckum. isn’t she incredible? love.